Tuesday, August 7, 2012

me : foster parenthood : waiting and praying

The silence hangs heavily in the air. We've just dropped him off for his weekly visit and neither one of us want to say what we're thinking, saying it makes things more real, and so far, I've done a great job of distancing myself from the real. Ignoring the fact that the real is coming quickly and there's nothing I can do about it except to wait. And pray. And wait. 

"It gets harder every time..." he says tentatively after a while. I say something in agreement. Letting myself think for just a moment of what it would be like to say a final goodbye. My eyes fill with tears and I blink them away, along with the thoughts of goodbyes, and no longer waking up in the morning and greeting those coffee-colored eyes. Of no longer picking him up from his crib and having him lay his head on my shoulder, his sleepiness making him almost too sweet to bear. Of cool mornings on the patio. Of afternoon reading times. Of night time bath times with his "quack, quack, quack." I can't think of those. Of the possibility that so quickly, they could be gone. 

Two weeks. 

That's how much longer I know for sure he gets to be with us. In two weeks we have his final hearing and the judge will decide who gets this sweet little boy. I hate it, fighting for him. Not that he's not worth fighting for, because of course he is, but I wish I didn't have to. I wish he was just ours. Simple as that. I've had my moments of pity on his mother. Wondering what it would be like to be her, having someone try to take my son away forever, and I do feel sorry for her. But in a way, I'm in that position too. He's as much my son as if I had birthed him myself. And now I have to worry about losing him to someone else forever. 

And then I wonder, if I should even be fighting for him. If it's the right thing, and what is the right thing, and how does anyone ever know what the right thing is, at all, in these situations??? And that's when I remind myself, if we get to keep him, that one day I'm going to have to tell him everything about his first couple of years. Explaining how he came to live with us and why. Why we fought to keep him and what all that means. And when he looks at me, with questions in his eyes, I know I will have to live with the decisions I made for him and how I did what I thought best. That's what it's really about. Not the right or the wrong of being with us or being with his mother, because how could anyone say what is or isn't right in cases like this. But it's about what you can live with and the life and love he could be given with us. And in that matter, now and later on when he asks me, I will have no doubts. 

And now, for recap, of what we've been through so far together: 

The anticipation of getting him. 

The Adjustment Period. Including our first Halloween together. 

Falling in love.  Including a picture from his first football game with us. 

Our first Thanksgiving & Christmas with him. 

Thinking about having to let him go. 

Our first Easter. 

Getting McCrae and watching him become a big brother. 

And a ton of firsts for him that I can't mention just yet. But it's all been wonderful, and I just can't bear the thought of all of those firsts, also being lasts or even onlys. It would be heartbreaking. I hope that eventually I get to introduce him to you all, with pictures and videos, so you can see for yourself how incredibly cute and precious he is. But for now, we're still just waiting. And praying. And waiting. 






7 comments:

  1. Way to go! Hope you will enjoy raising him!

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  2. Oh sweet Regina...I know some of what you are feeling and the conflicting emotions that goes along with having the situation you are in...we are going through some of the same stuff with my nieces. It is so hard to know what God's will is. I feel your pain and anxiety..and I want you to know that I am praying for you and Joey during this time. Try not to stress and worry...just keep praying and whatever God has in store for your family...HE will bring you through it. Love you guys so much! Angela

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  3. I can only imagine how this is tugging at your heart!! I will keep you in my thoughts and hope only the best for all of you:)

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  4. Regina....as a fellow foster parent, I will be praying for you. I pray that first and foremost...God's will for BB will be fulfilled. And since we have fostered 15 therapeutic children over the past 10 years, I can safely say, I pray that the judge makes the right choice for BB now and that he stays with you. As a therapeutic parent, we care for, love, and try to help heal, the older children that have been hanging around for too long waiting for the birth parents to do the right things. We have adopted our 11 year old girl when she was 8 (she came to us when she was 6), and there are so many issues she/we have to deal with that could have been avoided if the judge had not returned her to her birth mother. So stay strong, God knows the future of every child He creates.
    Debbi
    -yankeeburrowcreations

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  5. I am praying for you!!! (((HUGS))) I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. But, HE knows the plans that He has for you, and for BB, too!!!

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  6. I am praying and pulling for you. I have been involved with this "type" of heartache. I pray that the judge will rule in your favor.

    Lindsay is right though. God knows.
    ♥♥♥
    Sue

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  7. Oh Regina, this must be so hard! I will be praying for you and your little guy because I know he could not have a better home than with you.

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